wow. it's been almost a month since my last update huh.?

well, there's only one reason for this one. & that reason is because on this day, 10 months ago, my life came into being. okay, so i'm not saying i'm 10 months old. i'm saying that the one thing that makes me feel truly alive came into my life 10 months ago. giving me reasoning to be happy. which is what i am. happy. he makes me happy, and i thank him for that. i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have found what he's given me, there's no doubt about that. i hope i've given him the same, and that we'll continue to grow w/ eachother for a long as we can. I love him; my boyfriend & bestfriend.

       things are hard.
and there is really no other way to describe them, unfortunately, w/o using that term. i don't like it. it's too broad. i suppose i could say things are "difficult" or perhaps even "tough" but i'm opting not to. hard was the first adjective to come to mind, and thus the one i've decided to go w/, no matter how much i despise it.
school is taking it's toll. every class feels longer, harder, consumes more brain power & get's more frustrating w/ every passing day. & it seems that the harder i try, the less i improve. i'm not use to not comprehending things and i'm not used to just not doing well. i can't stand the feeling. it upsets me to the deepest of levels. & i feel like the only thing i have time for anymore is homework. between school itself, volleyball [which, don't worry, i will get into later] and homework i hardly have time to think. and no, i'm not meaning to use that as merely a figure of speech, but as a quite literal phrase. i have no time to think. i have no time to uphold a life. hell, i can hardly find the time to shower & eat daily during a normal week. 99% of all my relationships have evaporated into thin air. and the 1% that hasn't, has failed to strengthen and has become the weakest i'd ever imagined. even one of my main escapes has degressed rapidly. volleyball has lost it's appeal. i'm not sure i enjoy it any longer. all it seems to be is frustrating and, between it, school and social issues, wreaking havoc on my emotional health. it all just seems to be getting progressively worse & i'm failing to learn how to deal. i'm living on aspirin and working on fear of failure. which is what i'm afraid that i'm going to become. a failure. i've come to realize that i've failed the one person in my life i swore i never would. and for that i could apologize constantly for the rest of my life, and still never feel content. simply the thought of the situation depresses me, and the only person i have to thank for that is myself of course. things domestically haven't exactly been pie either. i'm not ashamed to speak of it, so i shall. a couple weeks ago was a life altering time in my life, without a doubt. my sister; my sole backbone, the one person i felt truly understood everything about me, came back into my life. 10 years of incarseration. 2/3 of my life was missed by the sole person i felt i needed. of course bringing her back was a time of great joy...but it's also been hard. to just let everything go. trying to "pick up where we left off" so to speak. & of course my other sister is also still living here with my niece/her daughter. trying to balance this into my equation of stress hasn't exactly been fun. it just seems, now a days, the harder i try to fix things...the more chaotic they become.

excuse this entry. excuse my mourning & feeling sorry for myself. i suppose i'm not the only one. i suppose i need to just "suck it up" and proceed w/ strength. i suppose carrying on & being numb isn't as bad as pittying my life and being an emotional wreck..?

nine months.

         nine months.
most would say "wow. that's a long time." but what they don't get, is that it isn't long enough.
it's hard to say that you've been w/ the person that you'd do anything for, the one that would do anything for you, the one whose name alone can make everything & anything more spectacular, the one you love. b/c you want every minute you're together, you want to seem like an eternity, simply b/c you can never get enough of them. i owe a lot to you. no, more than a lot. so much that a million thank yous can never ever be sufficient for you've given me so many more memories, so much more love, so many more smiles & laughs, comforting words & hugs that i never want to let go of, hours of listening to me complain only to be reassuring & understanding, than i have to you. actually, i owe you so much i'm not sure i'll ever be able to repay you. you're truly the most amazing person i've ever met & have the most remarkable of effects on me. which is why i say, nine isn't enough. i want more. i hope you do too. but i wouldn't mind never repaying you for all you've done for me...b/c that only gives me forever to be w/ you trying. i hope i can always be w/ my best friend & i hope that i make you happy. I love you & need to thank you for hands down, the best 9 months of my life so far.

so.

i think it's going to be an extremely hard week for me.

and i'm telling you all right now,

i'm going to be an emotional wreck.

& i might be in need of some support.

a hug or two.

which i don't usually ask for. i try to be a strong person but this might be one of the hardest things i'll ever go through in my life. so help might be a good thing.

something i need.

i guess we won't know until it happens though will we.?

mhmmm.

               twooo & ohhhh.

                                           =]]

                                                 & we still show stoppin'.!

                                                                                                =P